My Spiritual Past

When I first decided to blog about spirituality, I was trying to think of an intriguing hook to draw people to read and follow my blog. I realized a hook or gimmick would only succeed for a short period of time and that something with substance would be more helpful to people. Reflecting on my life, I decided my spiritual journey had the substance needed for a blog, and by letting people see my struggles and revelations it may help them on their journey.

Now that I had the topic, I needed to come up with a name for my blog. Contemplating on my life, I realized I was very spiritually motivated in high school and even wrote a senior thesis on the allure of Buddhism. I continued to take classes on religion in college but my spirituality began to wane. As a freshman, I was "spiritual but not religious", and I became agnostic by the time I was a senior. This decline continued and my main interests turned towards psychology and music.

A few years after college, I met a wonderful Catholic girl and I wanted to know more about her faith to strengthen our relationship. I joined a local parish, started the Rites of Catholic Initiation for Adults (RCIA), and began a search for my faith. I failed miserably. I expected a light to shine on me and for God to reveal Himself, similar to the scene in the movie the Blues Brothers where Jake sees the light. I cannot believe how naive I was! My failed attempt at becoming a Catholic turned me further from spirituality and I became angry and disheartened towards religion. I even claimed to be an atheist.

Then I met another amazing Catholic girl a few years later and God was very important to her. I knew that if I did not explore God and spirituality, the relationship would never succeed. I figured God and Catholicism has a positive impact on some of my friends' lives so something good may come from it. I put my negativity aside and decided to explore my faith. This time I knew I could not just join the RCIA or start going to mass without doing any research. I needed to invest time and energy but do what I thought was right. Rather than walk the path I thought she may want me to walk, I began carving out my own path.

I explored Catholic, Lutheran, and Protestant churches, found a Tibetan Buddhist meditation group, joined a yoga studio, read multiple books, and talked to friends and family. These experiences were the reawakening of my spiritual journey which remained dormant for a decade. Rather than showing up to mass and expecting the priest to hand me the light, I began searching for the light on my own. I read the weekly mass readings before mass and contemplated on them to better understand the Catholic faith. I read Buddhist books with my meditation group and discussed them. I read books on psychology to further understand the mind. I meditated on my own to gain greater insight into myself and life. I was back on a spiritual path, my path, and my life became better than ever.

Looking back I realize that for 10 years my spirit was starving. My life was filled with depression and sadness with glimpses of joy. I was driven by comforts and highs rather than taking a genuine joy in life. Luckily, I had the strength to make relatively good decisions and never went down a self destructive path (on multiple occasions I was so tempted to quit my job and become a full time guitarist). I was filled with emptiness and confusion. My spirit was hungry for something more but I never realized it. What was missing in my life was always inside me and I just had to acknowledge its presence. My spirit is no longer starving, but now it's always hungry for more.